By the time I finished my millionth revision on yesterdays post and actually published it my adrenaline was pumping so hard I couldn’t stop shaking for about a half an hour. Of course the second I shared it I panicked, wondered if I could delete it before people saw, so I did the only thing I could think of to get my self to stop obsessing about it. I walked away for awhile. I’ve heard a lot back about it, 99% of it has been tremendously touching, supportive and full of love. Sure there is the 1% that have said negative things (and privately of course) but hey, lets not focus on that. Thank you for the love. Many of you weren’t shocked to hear about the depression, but you were blown away at how bad it was. I told myself I was going to be honest. I did have a few people concerned about me mentioning the word suicide. I said that mental illness was often ugly and dark, but I also think it’s SO incredibly important that we don’t hide from the scary so I’m not sorry that I was honest about it, but to put fears at ease I’m not going anywhere.
Today has been a busy one full of blessings. We got up early and took a dear friend of mine to the airport this morning. You never know who is going to be an answer to a prayer and I’m so thankful that she was for me today. After dropping her off we hung out in Salt Lake for a couple hours while JD flapped, twirled, rocked and counted down the seconds till we headed back to the airport to see my cousin.
My cousin Connor just returned from serving a two year mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I am quite a bit older than him (I used to babysit him) but he and his brother have always had an incredibly special bond with JD. Two years is a long time so I was worried about how this was going to go with JD (we just never know with Autism) but he was so excited. He kept looking back at me waiting for the approval to run up and hug him and couldn’t stop rocking back and forth till it was his turn to dive in for a hug. A hug. I cried as I watched, not only because I was so excited to see my cousin, but because JD couldn’t WAIT to give him a hug. I STILL remember the exact moment my son hugged me (or at least leaned close so I could kind of hug him). This little boy has come so far, and I was one proud mama to see him appropriately express his love for his cousin and read social cues so well. (PS Connor, he told Gwen not to be sad if you love him the most to which she replied, that’s okay you’ve known him longer.)
We played with some cousins after and then ran to the grocery store. Upon returning home, my arms full of heavy groceries I rushed into the house and put them on the table before I realized that I never opened the door. Magpie ran right inside ahead of me. The door had been open. I panicked and yelled hello as I ran out of the house, quickly glancing around to see if anything had been taken. I stood on my porch trying to think of what to do next. In my head I was assuming one of the kids didn’t shut the door all the way but we had been gone for almost 9 hours. Right then a neighbor pulled into his driveway and hopped out of his truck, in full uniform. I called him over and asked if he’d be willing to check the upstairs for me since if someone was up there there was no way out but to come down or jump out a window and I didn’t want to take the kids in. Without hesitating he put his hand on the holster of his gun and headed upstairs (while I apologized that my bedroom was messy LOL, good grief). After coming down he checked the garage and I thanked him (over and over again). I could tell my fear had passed when I began thinking about what my next months power bill would be since the door was open all day.
It’s been a long day but so full of blessings. I’m still anxious about my decision to be more open about real life but I’m glad I made the choice.