Did you know that if you cry too much you can actually ruin your contacts? Maybe I have really toxic tears (or disposable contacts) but last night I had to toss a pair I’d just opened a couple of days before.
Disappointment can be a huge challenge for me. I set my self up for some things and then if they fall through I take it personally, to an absurd level. I know I do this. I’m aware I’m super-duper sensitive. In this case it was a rejection notice for the nursing program that came in the mail yesterday that threw me for a loop.
I know they get hundreds of applicants and it was an honor to be narrowed down to one of the 80 that got an interview. I have a 3.9 GPA with my pre-requisites and scored in the 99th percentile on the admission test. I worked and sacrificed for the last few years till I’ve been at frazzled beyond belief, and wanting nothing more than to curl up in bed with my kids and forget about school. Watching the mountains of student loan debt pile up around us, I kept going wanting to change our families path in this world.
Then the letter came.
“We appreciate the time and effort you took in applying and interviewing with us, however, you were not selected for a position in the program…”
White noise rang in my ears as I read those words. I honestly (and stupidly) thought that if I could just get to the interview portion I would be good. It’s usually a strong point of mine. Why I foolishly underestimated the other applicants is beyond me. I was proud, and you know what pride cometh before… the fall.
So I cried, a lot, then went to a prior obligation and smiled, and pretended all was well in my world. I got in my car and then cried all the way home, as I was getting into bed, and then into the night until I was dehydrated.
I really do believe that this is not the end of the world. Something better will come from all this, but I wanted to punch anyone who told me that yesterday.
Not being able to sleep I stayed awake and looked at other options. Pre-requirements I would need to go to other schools in the state. Switching to a biology major, going to med school and showing the nursing department how dumb they were for letting me go…
Then I would cry again. Wishing I had figured out that I was intelligent when I was younger. Relocating to go to school now with low income, mountains of debt and small children would be a nightmare. Sure it’s doable, and honestly we’ll figure something out if it comes to that… but I just want to be a baby, lay prostrate on the floor, kicking and flailing my arms screaming “I don’t wanna!”
It’s been a hard couple years, and I thought I would be sitting on the top of the peak right now, looking at the view, and the downhill side of the mountain. Instead when I got to what I thought was the summit, I found another climb before I reached the peak and could start back down.
Yes I’ll get over it.
Yes I’ll reapply this fall, and apply for other programs.
Yes I’ll keep going.
Yes I’ll stop blogging and actually study for the final I have to take today……
But for now, I want to feel bad. I wan to curl up and cry.
I have to look ahead, because if I look back it all seems impossible. A waste of time with my beautiful babies as they pass stages of their life I wont ever see again. Hurling our family in a worse financial situation than ever before….
Just need to look forward. Looking back is not a good idea right now. Time to put one foot in front of the other and start on that next climb, because I’m really optimistic (or at least trying to convince myself to be) that the view from the peak will be spectacular once I get there.