My Heart is Full

Kids Walking

My two miracle kids bring more joy to my life than I could ever have dreamed.  Right now is about the spacing I would have wanted to try for a third child, wounds I thought were healed seemed to have torn open anew.  I’m sure it has been a reminder by the influx of friends I’ve had that are expecting, and I’m so excited for each of them and the new little ones they are welcoming.  The pain still appears, no matter how happy I am for the new stages in their lives

This past week has been a large struggle, for some reason I was reminded of the pregnancy I lost during Christmas in 2006.  I often wish that another miracle baby like Gwen would come along, and Jeremy hates it when I do.  Reminding me that there is a very real danger and that’s WHY we can’t have anymore.  I’ve cried many tears to my sweet husband while trying to have faith in the Lords plan for us, even if it’s not always what I expect.

This morning I got a vivid reminder of how dangerous my heart condition can be.  A friend is currently in the ICU in a coma.  Over the past week on her postings online have been about not feeling well, ending up going to the hospital and her fighting spirit about beating cancer a few years ago and so there was no way she was going to let this take her.  Then seeing her no longer post… her fighting words replaced by her husband letting us now she was still trying but things weren’t going well.  Watching his updates on Facebook is gut wrenching   It’s so hard reading things about him being told to prepare for the end, watching her lay with her child’s stuffed animal and his raw pain as he prays for a miracle to save his wife.

Through the tears and prayers I’ve been offering up for her I felt a peace I haven’t for a long time about our own family.  The Lord knows me, he knows my own pain, he loves me and just wants me to lean on him when I need to.  I all to often forget that.  My blessings are immense.   I’ve survived this condition during two pregnancies and in the years that have followed. While my heart has never healed completely I am a survivor, and that is something to be thankful for.  I shouldn’t be crying about children I don’t have, I should be holding those that I do.  I cherish my kids.  The world is a much better place with them in it.  The magic of childhood, the point of view of autism, glittery princesses, mickey mouse, play-doh, legos, pretending and childrens books are all things I get to experience every day because of Jacob and Gwendolyn.  Even during days when Deeds is really struggling or Gwen is fighting I wouldn’t trade them for the entire world.

I couldn’t imagine Jeremy having to go through the nightmare my friends husband is living.  I’m thankful for our faith in eternal families.  I’m so blessed that Jeremy and I are sealed with our young children forever, not just until death.  If we do ever adopt or welcome other souls into our family then that would be wonderful, if not that is okay too.

We have the Lord,

each other,

love,

friendship,

and faith.

That’s a lot more than so many other people have.  We are truly rich.  Sorrow fills my heart as I think of my friend in that hospital.  It is always amazing to me how quickly things can go wrong.

Fight heart sister, fight.  My prayers will not cease for your little family.  Thank you for reminding me to cherish life, to fight for it, and to love.  

 

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