“Everybody in this life has their challenges and difficulties. That is part of our mortal test. The reason for some of these trials cannot be readily understood except on the basis of faith and hope because there is often a larger purpose which we do not always understand. Peace comes through hope.”
James E. Faust
I have been really struggling lately. Sometimes it can be hard to remain positive when it feels like many things in life start to fall down at the same time. I want to stay in bed, I want to cry, I want to quit, I want to love my babies, I want to be an ostrich and bury my head in the ground.
When I’m feeling particularly down like this it makes it even harder to block out others comments and feedback that might be negative. An example would be when I was studying in lab this past Saturday and I had out a spreadsheet I made to help me study the bones of the head. A girl across from me said “Good grief, you must have a lot of extra time on your hands.”
I think I stared at her for a full minute before finally smiling and making a joke along the lines of “What’s free time.” She then continued to tell me how nice it must be not to have to work or take any other classes other than anatomy. I sobered and asked if she was talking about me in particular to which I got a flippant reply of, “well, ya.”
I calmly let her know that I not only did have a job I occasionally worked I also had a heavy full-time course load and my husband who I haven’t had a night alone with in months and two children at home. I finally ended the conversation when she made a comment asking me what kind of mother leaves her children home so much without them. I was shocked and had to bite my tongue so I wouldn’t lash out at her. It was obvious she didn’t know me, and more obvious that I didn’t necessary want her to. Struggling as I have been the last thing I need in my life is someone who is negative.
Her comment did remind me of something my mother told me this past week when I made the same sort of comment about myself leaving my children so much. She told me they call it sacrifice for a reason. That I am sacrificing now so that in a few years I can be around them more than ever and give them stability that we so desperately need. It is so hard to see toward the future and keep positive. I know that we can’t have a rainbow without the rain but it is so very hard at times.
This is when I try to have hope, and through hope I often find a still peace. I have to strive to have enough faith to remain strong. My moments with my children right now are far between and far too short but I was blessed to be home with them all summer. The times we do spend together are even more treasured because it is so rare and there is NOTHING like opening my front door on the rare night that I get home before they are asleep and have the BOTH come running to greet me with big smiles and laughter. When those small arms hug me and tell me they love me there is no other feeling in the world that can compare to it. One day I hope they understand, and even if they don’t I will carry on because this too will pass. Till will continue to go on and I am determined to show my children they can do anything, just like their mommy. I’m blessed with an amazing supportive husband who through the hidden blessing of a lost job gets to be home with the children while I am gone. We truly are blessed. Sometimes I need to just get it out on paper, or a blog post to remind myself.