Once a year or so I post the following list on my blog. I have a history of some different kinds of abuse and so when I have friends or family looking for advice I always dig up this list again. I wish I’d seen it before my first marriage, I’m not sure I would have payed attention to it like I should have but I still wish I would have known. I’m glad my ex-husband has taken care of his demons, it’s a hard thing to do and I’m truly happy for him. I believe however that everyone should approach relationship cautiously, especially being LDS and having such an eternal viewpoint. Eternity is a long time to struggle. Even basic respect is so important. I believe that if someone is showing some of these signs then it is a clear reason to step back, stop or at the least slow down. They obviously range in severity, but even some of the most simple can be very harmful.
After the divorce I had a really hard time becoming “Bobbie” again. I was constantly reminded by those that knew me the best that I wasn’t myself. I’d become a shell of a person and very submissive. I am sure many of you are laughing at the thought but after all was said and done, I felt like nobody, and that nobody would ever think I was somebody. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through, dealing with the “after” was at times worse than dealing with the actual abuse itself.
Jeremy also had to be very patient with me. He loves me unconditionally and that’s a great thing to know, but I had to learn it because I couldn’t trust at first. I struggled a lot while we were dating and during our first year of marriage. I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop, but I learned that in a healthy and loving relationship things can be very different. The trials I had in my life before have helped shape me into the person I am now. I am thankful for all the Lord has helped me through. I hope that you all read the list, share it, and keep it in mind always. You never know when you could be the one to help change a life for the better, or even save a life.
Nussbaum’s List of Red Flags:
- He pushes too far, too fast, planning your future together right away.
- He hates his mother and is nasty to her.
- He wants your undivided attention.
- He must always be in charge.
- He always has to win.
- He breaks promises all the time.
- He can’t take criticism and always justifies his actions.
- He blames someone else for anything that goes wrong.
- He’s jealous of your close friends, family members, and all other men.
- He always asks you where you went and whom you saw.
- He has extreme highs and lows that are unpredictable.
- He has a mean temper.
- He often says you don’t know what you’re talking about.
- He makes you feel like you’re not good enough.
- He withdraws his love or approval as punishment.
- He pushes you to do things that make you feel uneasy, like taking the day off from work or even breaking the law.