This is probably a bit more personal than I usually share, but since I’m using all this as a journal I decided to write it anyway.
I was watching a show about strengthening your marriage, and I was blown away. I take my sweetheart for granted far too often. You would think that I, of all people, would never let a day pass without thanking the Lord for Jeremy. Watching a show where people are struggling brought back a flood of memories from when I was married to Mr. North Carolina (name changed to protect the not-so-innocent). When waves of memories rush over me like that it really makes me want to sit and let the world know how wonderful Jeremy is.
Our marriage isn’t perfect, we have our ups and downs. However it is a dream compared to my previous experience in marriage. I wondered after the divorce if I would ever get married again. I didn’t think I could. I was such a hollow shell and the thought of letting another man ever have that much control in my life scared me more than I can ever share. My emotional self had been battered to the point that I lived without a lot of emotion for a few years. And my Physical self didn’t do very well either. The lessons I learned in that 3 years were life changing, and when I think about the girl I was back then, I can often do little more than cry.
How did I do it? On days when I feel so mentally weak, judged, and unworthy I try and remember all I’ve been through. I usually end up thinking to myself “If I survived all that, then (fill in the blank) should be easy!” I remember crying to mom after the divorce. Saying that I knew that the Lord would never test me above that which I was able to handle, but it was obvious He had a LOT more faith in me than I did.
Then there was Jeremy. For those of you that don’t know… here’s the short version of the story.
I wasn’t dating a lot after the divorce. The thought terrified me and whenever I did date it turned out that the guys were looking for more than just dinner and a movie. I hated it. SO dad started to pay for ldsmingle.com . I had a friend sign me up for another LDS dating site, but the guys wern’t the best examples of good LDS men. So I wasn’t expecting much from mingle. It became a game. Trish, Steph and I would sit down on Sunday nights and search for boys. Trish and Steph, both married, thought it was a blast to send messages out to people pretending to be me. They would do random searches. And one night they searched for men over 6’2″ in SLC. Up popped Jeremy, and they sent him a message. He replied and we started to chat a little. Steph takes great pride in the fact that not only did she pick out Jeremy, but that she was there when we first met.
Now I had dated other men from the site, and they were great guys for the most part, but something about Jeremy scared me. He was an athlete for the University of Utah, and I didn’t think he’d like the physical me. 😦 Sad but true. Well one weekend I was going to watch a movie with Art, Steph, Grant and Masha. Jeremy happened to be on-line that afternoon and asked what I was doing. Without thinking I invited him and before I knew it he was on his way down. It freaked me out because we had not even talked on the phone before! I made Art go with me to meet up with him (brothers are awesome). When we got back to the house Art was introducing Jer to everyone and when he got to me he said “and this is my sister Bobbie, I don’t believe you’ve met.” Jeremy’s face turned so red. It was so cute.
We started to date, then I freaked out. (I’m good at that.) At the time I was looking for anyway I could to get back to Disney and started to do interviews to work for the Disney Cruise Line. I broke it off with Jeremy, seeing as how I thought I would be moving anyway it wouldn’t matter. A few months and many e-mails and calls later I decided to try it again. He was so sweet, persistent but not overbearing. I remember wondering when we started dating again if I was making the right choice. So I started to pray, more than I had since the divorce. A few weeks went by without an answer to my prayers. A friend and I were camping and she decided to go for a walk. I sat by the river alone and read a book. In the book there was a line that made me stop and ponder Jeremy. I can’t remember what it said, but I will never forget how I felt when I looked at the sun reflecting off the river. I knew in that instant that Jeremy deserved my full attention, with no fear or insecurities attached.
There are three moments I think of when I ponder our dating and engagement. The first is that day by the river, when the Spirit touched me so deeply. The second is sitting with my future husband in the Temple waiting to be sealed, and the third is the actual sealing itself. Dressed in white, kneeling across the alter, the world stood still. I never doubted that I was doing the right thing.
I am not an easy soul to live with. I come with a lot of emotional baggage, (and some extra pounds 😉 ). I used to worry all the time that Jeremy would realize what he’d done and run. He never has. Fights are few, disagreements are far apart. We learn and grow together and I truly love my husband. An Eternity with him will be heaven, and I am grateful. Never has anyone been so complimentary to me, in every way.
We both have flaws, but together I know we can accomplish anything. I miss him every time we are apart, and love spending time with him. His gentle kindness amazes me. It’s such a difference from my life before, and I’d never go back. He is my sweetheart, my true love, and my best friend. I am glad I never let the fear hold me back, I am thankful I had friends and family pushing me, and I am blessed to be lifted daily with his love. It is hard work, but the rewards are endless.
Thank you Jeremy.